What I am reading

In an effort to get me posting and writing more often, I'm giving days themes and trying that out for a bit. So Tuesdays and what I am reading.

I just finished a great non-fiction book, The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. I have been reading a ton of women/feminist books lately and this author is wonderful. She is a younger woman that connects beautifully with my age group and makes issues appear as important as they are without painting a picture that is too bleak to overcome.

The Purity Myth focuses on America's obsession with virginity. In our culture young women can either be perfect virgin or a dirty whore and there is no room for any shade of gray, which is just incredibly fucked up. Valenti manages to dissect the ways this dichotomy is presented to young people and how adults actively enforce it on themselves and other.

What I took away from this book was this: While there is nothing wrong with being a virgin until marriage (something friends of mine have done and are happy with) there is also nothing wrong with having safe and consensual sex before marriage. And that virginity is outdated at best, since it seems to only apply to heterosexual.

Jessica Valenti also has written other wonderful books and has a delightful Tumblr and founded Feministing.


I am currently mid-way through book 10 of Robert Jordan's massive Wheel of Time series. These books were recommend to me by my brother and while I have many qualms about the writing, the story is what interests me and I cannot stop now. I am really enjoying this particular book, mostly because the main character of the series is delightfully absent. Seriously though, someone needs to redo the cover art on all of these books. Last time I checked, people and horse legs were not the same length.

What are you reading?

Get me home

I used to live in downtown Minneanapolis, right near Loring Park. I worked at a great store at the Mall of America. Many times I would take the cheap light rail instead of driving my car. Driving was it's own ordeal that caused me a lot of grief - mainly in finding a parking spot by my house that was 1. in an ok part of town and 2. closer to my place than the light rail. Here is a summary of how getting home went for me.

At work we were encoruaged to dress cute and so I often wore skirts and low heels. While at the store I was often hit on by guys who used lines like "Man, I have to tell you, redheads really get it going for me," while they have me pick out earrings for their girlfriends. I had more than one man follow me out of the store on my break as I went and grabbed lunch. And I just bit my toungue and moved on with my day.

When the store closed I would enjoy the empty time while I straightened, blasting Mika and dancing as I put products back and then rush to the bathroom to change from my skirt and heels to a pair of jeans and my sneaks. I would shove my fancy clothes into a bag and walk out of the backdoor into the back alleys of the Mall with my fellow coworker (who was almost always a lady as we only had one male employee).

After saying goodbye I would race to the basement to catch the light rail. Once inside I would try my best not to look anyone in the eye yet still look like I was aware of my surroundings and usually would try to read a little. Before I got off at my stop I would make sure my red hair was back in a tight bun and shoved into a baseball hat. My mother had me carrying one everywhere, especially when I was driving alone at night.

I had a long walk down a pretty empty street. I pasted Mary Tyler Moore's Statue hoping that the other people getting off of the light rail would branch off and not walk close to me. If there were too many (and frankly sometimes one could be too many) people near me I would cross the street. My keys sticking out from my fist and a permanet snarl on my face I stomped home as fast as I could.

Closer to my apartment, I had to decide whether to go down the well lit street that was home to cheap pawn shops that were chained up and super sketchy, or the not well lit street that was home to more upscale apartments. I never figured out which street felt safer because neither did.

At my building, I rushed into my apartment and locked and deadbolted the door. I checked to make sure the locks were on the windows that overlooked a very popular dumpster that homeless men frequented. I usually went straight bed and curled up hoping that the customer who had been bothering me about how my skirt made my shape look good would not be back anytime soon.

My mom came up once and wanted me to get a gun or pepper spray, but I never have had either.

This post was inspired by this article from Rookie: First Encounters with the Male Gaze

This article on rape culture is also worth a read: Rape Culture 101

Also, MN people, please, please think about taking part in this weekend's Twin Cities SlutWalk.

Gimme a H! Gimma a P! Gimme a V!

So Michelle Bachmann has been speaking out against the great threat to women, a vaccine that can prevent HPV, which can cause cervial cancer, because she claims that they can be harmful and have effects that will ruin the lives of us poor women. Please check out this article from my favorite magazine, Bitch, that explains and links to some great information.

When I was 20 and in college in the great state of Minnesota, I got a call from my doctor back home. My yearly tests had come back with abnormal results and I needed to come back in for more testing. I asked if I could do so on my next school break since home was three and a half hours away and I did not own a car. They told me that I needed to see them that Friday or Saturday. I was reluctant to make an appointment until they said "pre-cancerous cells". I made the appointment.

I was supposed to go on a sorority convention trip to the twin cities that weekend. But my bf agreed to drive me back home and I fired off an email to my soroity president and advisor. I do not know what, if anything, I told my roomates ( 2 of the 3 were also in my sorority) but I had mentioned the possiblity of cancer and HPV in my email to the head honchos. My president demanded a note from my doctor and she campaingned to get me kicked out for missing this big deal meeting. Our advisor was very curt with me about it too and while I was able to stay on, I did not feel the same about it. Neither of them ever asked me how the doctor's visit went or what the results were and I did not feel the need to share with them. So I do not think I mentioned it to mroe than one or two other girls in the group.

I could write a book about my mixed experience with this sorority, but this took the cake to me. I had very little support at the time. My mom was busy with her divorce and my sister's illness, all of my college friends did not know or were at the convention, and my boyfriend, while earnestly helpful could not really give me the ladies' perspective I needed. And the response I got when I told two people who were in a position of leadership sent me the message that going was a poor choice and if I had to go then fine, but between worrying about how my probable cancer would devestate my already crumbling family and crying my eyes out while doctors scraped and proded me, I had better damn well get a note that explained why I miss sorority pooloza.

The tests that I went through that weekend were painful and scary. So much so that I do not really want to go into them but let me just say if you have ever had a biopsy on the inside of your lady parts then you know what I mean. While I came out negative for cancer, I do have a strain of HPV and had to have tests monthy for over a year to make sure no cancer cells appeared.

So I am not surprised that ladies aren't talking about HPV and when they do they feel like they should just shut up about it. HPV affects so many people  - many of whom are men who might be passing this on to their sexual partners. And while Michelle Bachmann might say that these vaccines will cause harmful effects and right-wingers will say that they will turn young girls into sex mainiacs, in my case it has kept me from getting a more harmful strain of this virus and keeps me one step away from cancer.

Also, please watch yesterday's Colbert Report for great coverage of this issue!

honesty is the best policy

I have always prided myself on being an honest person, especially when it comes to my life experiences. I am not ashamed of the people I have slept with, the crazy moves that I have made, or any of the "bad" choices I have made. And so it strikes me as off when I encounter other people (girls mostly) who try to represent themselves as other than they really are.

In high school, my friend and I snuck out of my house to go to a local band scene where we danced in a smoke filled basement to bad techno surrounded by guys who worked with us at the local Shopko. I do not remember much of that night other than being disappointed that my crush did not show up and being surprised that my straight-laced friend made out with a guy who was on Ecstasy. But more power to her I thought as we tottered home in the cool night air of our town's tiny down town.

Yet afterwards, my friend went out of her way to tell me that should I ever revel that she had kissed this guy (in public I want to add) that she would deny it and call me a liar. This is not the only thing she did over our years of friendship that came with the same warning. She wasn't dating anyone at the time and simply asking me not to tell would have been ok I guess, but she implied that she would be believed because of her goodie-goodies reputation and I would not because I had had sex before and made out with guys without dating them. She had an image of herself as a good Catholic girl and she aimed to keep it that way. Because I thought she was so awesome, I did not say anything about how this bothered me.

She was (an still may be) all about saving herself for marriage. I have no problem with this mindset per see. I think it is a gamble, but if that is important to you then that is what is important to you. And so this friend of mine never talked about the first time she had sex. She just pretended it never happened while it was happening. It was a long time after, and I think a bit to drink after, that she mentioned it and then brushed it right back under the rug.

Not being able to talk about sexual experience in my eyes is a big trap. Whatever that experience may be. And I believe that it traps others as well. If you are enforcing that the only way to be "good" is to ignore the sex, lesbian curiosity, groping with strangers, or other fantasies then others who look up to you will try to do the same.

And I want to say that I have and do have friends with very different sexual points of reference who are still able to be open about their views. My dear friend in college once asked me frankly what my views of sex were over coffee at a local joint and then shared her views. She never once made me feel my views were bad because they were radically different. That conversation was so unlike any I had ever had with high school friend.

High school friend and I are no longer in touch for many, many reasons. We stopped being close for awhile due to my honesty and it made me view many aspects of our friendship differently. Anyone who tells you that no one should believe what you have to say because of your "whore" image is not being a good friend or a good person. Some people are stuck by their small fairy tale image they have of themselves that when they see someone out there who is free they have to strike at them any way they can. I deserve better than that. You deserve better than that. Everyone does.

I own my experiences. Everyone of them. From the whirlwind romance that Geoff and I have now to the unrequited love I had in high school, to the time I made out with a friend and then continued being just friends to the guys with girlfriends I fooled around with at college parties. All have shaped who I am as a person. And that person is much more interesting than any image I could manufacture for myself.

A day at the Capital

Yesterday I volunteering at the downtown Madison Farmer's Market.  Myself and four other girls had a table set up for Panned Parenthood and we were passing out information, pins, and condoms and asking people to sign our petition. Many states are loosing funding to their Planned Parenthood and other laws are being passed that are causing clinics to shut down and women are left without things like birth control, pap smears and pre-cancerous testing. Wisconsin Planned Parenthood has lost a lot of funding and two clinics have shut down already. Our petition urges lawmakers to restore that funding: you can sign it here.

I am always nervous about hanging out with new people but one of the gals and I clicked and we set off together. We actually left the table and wandered the crowds asking people if they would sign. Which was a little scary, because I did not want anyone to tell me I was an awful person.

I was amazed by how many people approached us. We were wearing some pretty fly buttons and my pink hair tends to draw some people in. Certain older ladies and men came up and signed and talked to us about how glad they were that we were doing the work we were doing. We had a few people who were a little rude, but nothing we could not brush off with a smile.

We did have to explain to a few people that the because of the Hyde Amendment (passed in 1973), federal funds do not cover abortions. Which means Planned Parenthood does not use your tax dollars to pay for abortions. After hearing that a few more people did sign, which was good to see.

All in all I had a great time and am excited to do more for this organization. I am interviewing for an internship position with them and am signed up for the next Farmer's Market day as well. Plus I got to leave with a ton of free condoms.

Also I wanted to throw these pictures in, there is an organization and I did not catch their full name and so cannot find them on Facebook, but they put on little plays in the park and have a marching band. They did a play about Governor Weasel as a portrayal of Walker and it was great. Does anyone know their name?

I don't mean to be a b...

Last night while I should have been sleeping I got started thinking on how my personality is percieved. In high school and most of college, I feel like I had the abilty to be bitchy and blunt, telling people what I thought no matter what. And somewhere I lost that and now I feel that I come off as very passive and sweet, which is not how I see myself inside.

Now, I know that being bitchy is not seen as a positive thing, but I think it can be sometimes. If inside you are dying to slap your ex but instead you tell him you'll always be there for him, you are doing nobody a favor.

There are a few things I still get fired up about. I have no tolerance for those who make fun of people with disabilities and have walked out of classrooms and dates because of this. While I am not as likely to roll my eyes in public, I will give a wayward look of disdain.

Basically, I want that agression and confidence I used to feel by tapping into my inner bitch. And I want to feel ok with expressing those emotions when I feel them because as a society, I still think that women are supposed to be demure and agreeable unless we are wearing a tank top and fighting bad guys in heels. And even then we melt for the right person.

These thoughts came about because recently I have found myself apologizing to random people for anything and everything, for walking down the hall and for for filling up a cup at the water cooler. After I walk away I feel so stupid, because they did not feel the need to say sorry for using the last avaliable sink in the bathroom or for asking a supervisor a question. And I think I need to tap into the inner bitch that I used to let free.

To be fair to the word, I do not think that being assertive is the same as being a bitch, but culturally, I have noticed that most people view it as the same thing. While I do not want to be mean, or rude, I also do not want to be a doormat to other people while simply trying to get through my day.

Which leads me to my goal for this month  of September. I am done apologizing. I am going to stop and bite my toungue and just smile in an akward situtaion instead of saying I am sorry. If I do greviously wrong someone or genuininly do something wrong, I will apologize, but all of this unecessary bullshit is weighing me down and I do not need it. And if I do slip up, I think I will put a dollar in a jar and then donate that money to charity.

Am I the only one with an apology complex? Anyone else want to say no to meaningless "I'm so sorry"s?

Reach out and touch me

So the election went by and 4 of the 6 incumbents are still in office, but we do have 2 new state senators that seem to be pro-choice and pro-family and pro-not-taking-everything-away-from-the-working-class. I'm a little discouraged, but you just have to move on and do what you can do.

I wanted to check in with a little something I noticed while volunteering at PP the other day. I am a bit of a loner I guess and while interacting with a bunch of girls (and one guy!) I realized that I do not touch people often. With the most notable exception being my partner, Geoff. I was not always this way. In high school, my girlfriends and I would constantly hug or snuggle or tackle or punch or whatever. In college and afterwards I had girls and guys who I could hug without needing a reason. And now, well there is Geoff and Taft, who are wonderful and amazing, but I miss the touch of a friend.

And nothing big when I say "touch" but at this meeting, one of the girls running things would just put her hand on my shoulder when talking to be and another girl put her arm around me at one point and it was just really nice to feel connected on such a basic level to a person. I usually get weired out when people invade my personal space bubble, but since moving away from many of my close friends and growing apart from others, I am missing that contact. And maybe that is why, in between phone calls at PP, I found myself doodling a line of women with their hands entwined.

While I would never advocate touching strangers, I think it is worth thinking about who we touch on a regular basis and what that touch means to us. For me I believe it signifies a longing for female friendship and the need for a community of friends I can be comfortable around.

Get out and VOTE

Despite my confusion last night, I was able to get up and go downtown to help make some calls for Planned Parenthood today. I went to one of the downtown offices and met some amazing people and made some calls to encourage people to vote for candidates that support things like Medicare, Badgercare and Planned Parenthood. Most of my calls went really well and all in all it was a great experience. I got some buttons and stickers and am geared up to help out a lot more in the future.

I love this coffee cup! And check out this girl's purse - it is decorated with condoms (in the wrappers still)! She was telling me that she had also made a tie and a skirt and was trying to figure out a way to do the same to a pair of heels. I love it

And one last picture, while in between calls I was doodling away and drew a line of ladies all holding hands. One of the gals at the office really liked it. What do you think? Sorry that it's not a very good picture.

Now I am home and ready to chill out and relax with some pizza and a good book. What are you up to?

SlutWalk and me

In my new issue of Ms magazine, there is an article on SlutWalks which is a topic that I find very interesting. I have been looking on tumblr at some ladies who have been to some SlutWalks and liked how empowered and positive their experiences seemed. So I did a little more research and then experienced a major facebook blowout.

SlutWalk started in Toronto when a police officer made the comment that,

"women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized." 

Amazingly, this did not go over that well. Unfortunately, this viewpoint is not uncommon. Victim blaming is so prominent and the idea that women who dress like they are asking for it (whatever that means) deserve to shoulder some of the blame for being brutally assaulted is still very prevalent. Many rapes go under reported by police and rapists are not prosecuted due to backlogs of  rape kits which is not some kind of a kit that goes to the victim like I thought, but is the evidence gathered from the victim's exams such as hair and fluids that needs to be DNA tested. These kits are just sitting in some states, and nothing is being done about them.

And so a group of people started SlutWalk. A protest style march to show that women (any gender really) should not be blamed for crimes committed against them. From SlutWalk's website:

"We are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result. Being in charge of our sexual lives should not mean that we are opening ourselves to an expectation of violence, regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or work. No one should equate enjoying sex with attracting sexual assault."

 

These events have gotten a lot of flack from feminists and others for the use of the word "slut" and stating that trying to get that word to a more positive connotation is a waste of time.To some extent I agree with  the fact that "slut"probably is not ever going to be a positive thing. HOWEVER, I think that misses the underlying point. To me this is about creating an event that will have a lot of media coverage(which obviously it has) in order to show that people are upset and fed up with how our culture treats victims of rape.

Which brings me to a Facebook argument that revolved around a man's point of view that this is a waste of time and he would go to ogle the ladies (note: it is not required in any way to dress "slutty" for these walks) and that if a woman goes out drinking dressed provocatively (which he never defined) then he "hope[s] rape was worth it." Can we say unfriended?

SlutWalk's Minneapolis info page here

SlutWalk Toronto's main page (with links to planned walks in other cities) here

Geoff and I are both signed up to go and I am really pumped. I think all I can do is get as educated as I can and try to pass that information along. Has anyone gone to one? Thought about going?

Check out that girl's armpits

So I get a lot of emails and while most of them end up in the trash, I got one from Dove today that I opened. I have mixed feelings about this company. While I really love that they have used non-tradition models for their add campaigns, I'm not wild about their camaign to help ladies have more beautiful armpits. Because I was really worried that my arm pits weren't attractive enough. So when I read the following from my Dove email:

"Around the world, 72% of girls feel tremendous pressure to be beautiful, according to new research conducted by Dove^®. And when girls feel bad about their looks, the majority will avoid everyday activities like giving their opinion or even going to school."

It makes me kind of want to scream. First of all I would bet that that percentage is higher and second of all, maybe the feel this way because of your marketing strategies!

“If we don't continue to invent products that improve consumers' lives, we'll have trouble growing our business,” says Kevin Hochman, a marketing director for Procter & Gamble Co.'s female beauty brands, told the Wall Street Journal. (from the Globe and Mail article)

It seems to me (and a lot of people) that while they are inventing products they are also inventing problems. And it seems like this company is taking 3 steps back for every step forward they take. I love the idea behind the Real Beauty campaign and wish we saw more diverse and non-airbrushed models out there. I love that as a company, Dove seems to be doing work to promote self estem. But with the other hand they remind you that parts of your body need to be felt bad about. 

All and all, I think I'll stick with Toms of Maine.

Recharge

I have had a blissful mini-vacation which consisted of my normal 2 days off and a bonus mental health day I used. I took some time to myself when the guys went to work and just chilled. I put my favorite music on, which consisted mostly of Neko Case, light some candles, poured some wine and curled up with some books.

Strange Tales is a wonderful anthology of bizarre tales of Marvel characters in crazy situations. If you are intrigued by the thought of Iron Man fighting Bologna Face, this is for you. Plus look at how cute Spidey is.

The other day I checked out a book from the library on Feminism and was baffled by random post-it notes scattered throughout it. I peeled each one away and kept them in a pile, unsure why they were there and what I should do with them. As I was ding something, I had a light bulb moment and new. Operation Beautiful is an on-going project to promote loving your body one sticky note at a time. So I wrote some simple and hopefully uplifting things on them and plan on posting them at every public bathroom I go to.

When I was in college I was studying in the library and I went to pick up a crap piece of paper and realized that it was already written on. It read "To whoever finds this: You are good enough just the way you are." I can't put into words how much I needed to hear something like this at that point in my life. I have carried that scrap of paper around since then and wish I could thank whoever wrote it.

Anyway, back to my mini-vacation. I think the best part of it was taking a bath with just a bunch of candles and a glass of wine, with Neko singing in the other room. I'm trying to radically amp up my self-love and just being comfortable in my own skin, even for the length of a bath is great. I feel re-energized and ready to go back to work tomorrow and tackle new challenges.

My biggest challenge for myself is the story book I am doing for my sister. I really want her to have a book that shows kids with Down Syndrome without focusing on their difference from other kids. And I just love drawing her. I did learn the hard way today that I need to spellcheck before I ink things. little

rant, rave, and compliment

I've been reading a lot of books about feminism lately and doing research into parts of culture that upset me enough to actually take action and/or do more research and make life choices.

I am signed up to volunteer at Planned Parenthood next week. I will be calling local residents and letting them know about the impact of women's issues on the upcoming election. I expect to be hung up on a lot but I also hope to just plant a seed in a few people's minds. I am thrilled to meet the woman I have been emailing with about this and others who are driven to get out of their houses and help out. Planned Parenthood is about so much more than abortions and while I understand people's reservations about the idea of abortion, I cannot understand reservations about choice.

I have also been questioning seriously the meaning behind taking Geoff's last name when we get married. I've been struggling with the pomp and circumstance that seems to be expected of every wedding but frankly what turns me on about the day is not swan ice sculptures and a string quartet, but the fact that I am celebrating the commitment I am making to my best friend. As for the last name thing, the more I think about it the more weirded out I am by the idea that I need to change who I am in some way to be married. And it annoys me that I am expected to make this change and the question is never posed to the guy. Geoff and I have talked it over and he has stated that he doesn't care what I do as long as I am happy and married to him. And so I think I will stay Amy Henderson. I'm not super attached to my name (and still cringe when asked to watch Harry and the Hendersons) but it is mine and it is part of me. So it is sticking around. Plus I really hate filling out paperwork and it seems like a lot of work to change a name.


Things you can do:

• Take part in National Love Your Body day. It is coming up, October 19th. Try to ignore the ever present message that your body is not good enough and appreciate it for what it is. Here is a list of suggestions on what to do that day from NOW. This is my personal favorite of theirs. I might have to come up with a few things myself, maybe even do a Love Your Body Week here on the blog.

• Sign this petition to get Facebook to remove groups that promote rape such as "It's not rape if you like it" and "Screwing your girlfriend while she's asleep" This sets me into a fit of rage much like the one I had yesterday over Twitters trending hashtag of #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend.

• Check out Planned Parenthood in your area - get any info that you need and if you have a spare 2 hours, volunteer. 

• Next time you are at your bookstore of choice, pick up an issue of BUST, Ms. or Bitch. 

•  Compliment a lady friend, not on the way she looks (even if she is looking great) but on her character or actions. We could all hear a little more of that.

We still have a long way to go, but we can get there, baby.

don't forget to curl your eyelashes

I was reading a post from a dear friend of mine about how she was struggling with this feeling that she needs to drastically change some part of her appearance to fix things. This and the fact that I just finished reading Full Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti (of Feministing.com) set my mind a going.

I have always, like every girl to some extent, struggled with the way I look. I was a chubbier kid and had a strange view of fashion. I once wore a leopard print jumpsuit to class in 5th grade and lets just say I am still cringing at the things kids said to me. I have spend so much time focusing on my weight and how things would be just easier for me if I was at least a size six.

Somewhere in my 20s I realized that it was pointless trying to work and work to be beautiful in someone else's eyes because that work will never be finished. There will always be some new thing I should be doing, some new makeup I should have or some new hairstyle I should try and it is exhausting. I tried to embrace what I love about myself. Doing Boudoir photograph with my dear friends really helped, especially since I was not doing them for anyone. I had no significant other, I just got dolled up and took sexy pictures of myself for myself. And it was wonderful.

But one day does not fix everything. I still find myself obsessing for hours at work worried that someone will notice and judge me because I forgot to pluck my eyebrows that day. I think that maybe if I fit into my skinny jeans I would feel better about myself. Just now I ran through a list of all the things I need to do before work so I can look good enough to go out tonight, while I am sure my man is just going to go to work like he does every day. How fucked up is that? How do I get over that?

It is hard to try to get this mindset that we are not good enough as we are out of our heads. That we need to buy something in order to fix something about ourselves. I have yet to find an answer. Anyone have one?

Aside: Galadarling runs a lovely blog that has great articles of what she calls Radical Self-Love. I have to look to her for support sometimes and try to put some of her advice into my daily life. Check her out, especially this article, How to Practice Major Mega Supreme Body Love...Daily!

I am trying something small, something that probably no one will notice but me. I am a serial nail-polisher. I think my nails look weird without a layer of paint on them. I have bought those damn expensive Sally Hansen nail stickers and have spent hours doing crazy patterns on my fingernails only to take it all off and do it again the next day. All because I think that that is a requirement for me to look "done" when I go out. So, starting now, and going through August, I am going to shun nail-polish on my fingers and toes. I really want the goal to be that I don't think of the natural way these parts of my body look aren't gross. Like I said, starting small.