I don't mean to be a b...

Last night while I should have been sleeping I got started thinking on how my personality is percieved. In high school and most of college, I feel like I had the abilty to be bitchy and blunt, telling people what I thought no matter what. And somewhere I lost that and now I feel that I come off as very passive and sweet, which is not how I see myself inside.

Now, I know that being bitchy is not seen as a positive thing, but I think it can be sometimes. If inside you are dying to slap your ex but instead you tell him you'll always be there for him, you are doing nobody a favor.

There are a few things I still get fired up about. I have no tolerance for those who make fun of people with disabilities and have walked out of classrooms and dates because of this. While I am not as likely to roll my eyes in public, I will give a wayward look of disdain.

Basically, I want that agression and confidence I used to feel by tapping into my inner bitch. And I want to feel ok with expressing those emotions when I feel them because as a society, I still think that women are supposed to be demure and agreeable unless we are wearing a tank top and fighting bad guys in heels. And even then we melt for the right person.

These thoughts came about because recently I have found myself apologizing to random people for anything and everything, for walking down the hall and for for filling up a cup at the water cooler. After I walk away I feel so stupid, because they did not feel the need to say sorry for using the last avaliable sink in the bathroom or for asking a supervisor a question. And I think I need to tap into the inner bitch that I used to let free.

To be fair to the word, I do not think that being assertive is the same as being a bitch, but culturally, I have noticed that most people view it as the same thing. While I do not want to be mean, or rude, I also do not want to be a doormat to other people while simply trying to get through my day.

Which leads me to my goal for this month  of September. I am done apologizing. I am going to stop and bite my toungue and just smile in an akward situtaion instead of saying I am sorry. If I do greviously wrong someone or genuininly do something wrong, I will apologize, but all of this unecessary bullshit is weighing me down and I do not need it. And if I do slip up, I think I will put a dollar in a jar and then donate that money to charity.

Am I the only one with an apology complex? Anyone else want to say no to meaningless "I'm so sorry"s?