Thursday, September 1, 2011

I don't mean to be a b...

Last night while I should have been sleeping I got started thinking on how my personality is percieved. In high school and most of college, I feel like I had the abilty to be bitchy and blunt, telling people what I thought no matter what. And somewhere I lost that and now I feel that I come off as very passive and sweet, which is not how I see myself inside.

Now, I know that being bitchy is not seen as a positive thing, but I think it can be sometimes. If inside you are dying to slap your ex but instead you tell him you'll always be there for him, you are doing nobody a favor.

There are a few things I still get fired up about. I have no tolerance for those who make fun of people with disabilities and have walked out of classrooms and dates because of this. While I am not as likely to roll my eyes in public, I will give a wayward look of disdain.

Basically, I want that agression and confidence I used to feel by tapping into my inner bitch. And I want to feel ok with expressing those emotions when I feel them because as a society, I still think that women are supposed to be demure and agreeable unless we are wearing a tank top and fighting bad guys in heels. And even then we melt for the right person.

These thoughts came about because recently I have found myself apologizing to random people for anything and everything, for walking down the hall and for for filling up a cup at the water cooler. After I walk away I feel so stupid, because they did not feel the need to say sorry for using the last avaliable sink in the bathroom or for asking a supervisor a question. And I think I need to tap into the inner bitch that I used to let free.

To be fair to the word, I do not think that being assertive is the same as being a bitch, but culturally, I have noticed that most people view it as the same thing. While I do not want to be mean, or rude, I also do not want to be a doormat to other people while simply trying to get through my day.

Which leads me to my goal for this month  of September. I am done apologizing. I am going to stop and bite my toungue and just smile in an akward situtaion instead of saying I am sorry. If I do greviously wrong someone or genuininly do something wrong, I will apologize, but all of this unecessary bullshit is weighing me down and I do not need it. And if I do slip up, I think I will put a dollar in a jar and then donate that money to charity.

Am I the only one with an apology complex? Anyone else want to say no to meaningless "I'm so sorry"s?


  1. You are not the only one.

    However, I see it a bit differently. I have no idea if I'm a bitch (though some may argue differently), but for me, it's more about me NOT caring about what other people think. Not to totally dismiss the feelings of others, but not caring when I get stared at, and not caring when someone has something to say about what I did.

    I, too, feel like I lost something before and after college. I lost balls. I lost me - and I lost being OK. I'm constantly feeling like I need to improve...but I always am! It's such a struggle to be me and be who people want me to be. I don't want to care about what other assholes say. I don't want to care about the way I dress - can't I just get dressed in the morning, not have to worry about wearing designer outfits? Why apologize for things that I like to do. Everyone's got an opinion on something or someone and they're not all open-minded and willing to discuss.

    It's just about being you and being comfortable with every plus and "minus" we have.

    Sorry for the rant. It's been bothering me, too.

  2. Yes, yes, yes!

    I remember changing during college actually - I remember Doctor Ayers commenting that during the begining of junior year I had lost some of my outspokenness and I've been working on getting it back ever since.

    My apologizing is far from the only aspect of this issue, but it is still one I want to change, despit the fact that I have said it 4 times after posting this.

    Don't ever be sorry for ranting on my posts, I want to hear it.

  3. Ayers (and Beckman - advisor) asked me about "the change" too. You know something's not right when I don't want to write papers for her. Or flunk a creative writing class (no joke - just never showed up).

    I realized after I wrote the comment yesterday that I added "I'm sorry" to it. Of course! It's like a gut reaction.