Wednesday, September 14, 2011

honesty is the best policy

I have always prided myself on being an honest person, especially when it comes to my life experiences. I am not ashamed of the people I have slept with, the crazy moves that I have made, or any of the "bad" choices I have made. And so it strikes me as off when I encounter other people (girls mostly) who try to represent themselves as other than they really are.

In high school, my friend and I snuck out of my house to go to a local band scene where we danced in a smoke filled basement to bad techno surrounded by guys who worked with us at the local Shopko. I do not remember much of that night other than being disappointed that my crush did not show up and being surprised that my straight-laced friend made out with a guy who was on Ecstasy. But more power to her I thought as we tottered home in the cool night air of our town's tiny down town.

Yet afterwards, my friend went out of her way to tell me that should I ever revel that she had kissed this guy (in public I want to add) that she would deny it and call me a liar. This is not the only thing she did over our years of friendship that came with the same warning. She wasn't dating anyone at the time and simply asking me not to tell would have been ok I guess, but she implied that she would be believed because of her goodie-goodies reputation and I would not because I had had sex before and made out with guys without dating them. She had an image of herself as a good Catholic girl and she aimed to keep it that way. Because I thought she was so awesome, I did not say anything about how this bothered me.

She was (an still may be) all about saving herself for marriage. I have no problem with this mindset per see. I think it is a gamble, but if that is important to you then that is what is important to you. And so this friend of mine never talked about the first time she had sex. She just pretended it never happened while it was happening. It was a long time after, and I think a bit to drink after, that she mentioned it and then brushed it right back under the rug.

Not being able to talk about sexual experience in my eyes is a big trap. Whatever that experience may be. And I believe that it traps others as well. If you are enforcing that the only way to be "good" is to ignore the sex, lesbian curiosity, groping with strangers, or other fantasies then others who look up to you will try to do the same.

And I want to say that I have and do have friends with very different sexual points of reference who are still able to be open about their views. My dear friend in college once asked me frankly what my views of sex were over coffee at a local joint and then shared her views. She never once made me feel my views were bad because they were radically different. That conversation was so unlike any I had ever had with high school friend.

High school friend and I are no longer in touch for many, many reasons. We stopped being close for awhile due to my honesty and it made me view many aspects of our friendship differently. Anyone who tells you that no one should believe what you have to say because of your "whore" image is not being a good friend or a good person. Some people are stuck by their small fairy tale image they have of themselves that when they see someone out there who is free they have to strike at them any way they can. I deserve better than that. You deserve better than that. Everyone does.

I own my experiences. Everyone of them. From the whirlwind romance that Geoff and I have now to the unrequited love I had in high school, to the time I made out with a friend and then continued being just friends to the guys with girlfriends I fooled around with at college parties. All have shaped who I am as a person. And that person is much more interesting than any image I could manufacture for myself.


  1. Your honesty is one of the things I love the most about you. I'm so glad we can talk openly about so many things...especially because we see life so differently. It's what makes being your friend so sweet.

  2. Thank you so much Meg! I love the way our friendship makes me think about different perspectives and that we are both able to treat each other with respect no matter what we are talking about. Must be what makes us so awesome.

  3. Sometimes I'm amazed how parallel our lives our. My BF in HS also lied about the things she did so she could maintain her good-girl status. If you did it, did anything, why hide it? If you're too ashamed to tell anyone you did something, why do it in the first place?

  4. Laura - yeah I do not understand I guess. It is nice to knowo I'm not the only one out there who thinks this is whack!